Trans Issues Q&A; Insight from a Duke student

by Matt | September 11th, 2007 |

I had the chance to ask a few questions of an InterstateQ.com reader and Duke University student, after the debates and discussions over the removal of a transgender woman from a dormitory at Duke (past posts).

On Sunday, September 16th, I’ll be at Tate Street Coffee to meet with other InterstateQ.com readers and community members to discuss the issues in a laid-back, informal public forum. More info on that here.

Here, now, the Q&A with Raspberry (name changed in interest of privacy & anonymity):

Matt: What does it mean to to be transgender?

Raspberry: Well, there are many different kinds of transgendered people. I can’t really speak for anyone who identifies as a cross-dresser or genderqueer. I can’t even really give a universal meaning to transsexual because it is different for everyone who identifies as transsexual. Let me start off by giving you a snippet from the letter I gave to my friends and extended family when I came out to them:

You’ve probably heard the transsexual cliché, “I’m a woman stuck in a man’s body.” While that does explain the condition somewhat, it is a massive oversimplification. The medical diagnosis of transsexuality is Gender Identity Disorder (GID), and the very name explains the condition much better than the cliché. The key word in there is Identity. My self-image is that of a woman, but my body and people’s treatment of me does not reflect that. Due to societal pressures, I haven’t been able to express or even to explore my own identity, which is a distressing situation. I also want to emphasize that transsexuality has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Transsexuals are homosexual, bisexual, and heterosexual in roughly the same proportions as the rest of society. In fact, my motivation is not based on sexuality at all, but rather on that key word in the disorder’s name: Identity.

For me, transsexuality is the knowledge that for some reason, my mind is that of a fairly normal, intelligent and even slightly nerdy girl with odd tastes in music and a love for video gaming…but my body is that of a guy instead. It is constantly being aware of the fact that I am different from other girls due to some cosmic mistake somewhere. Often it means feeling isolated and unable to really fit in anywhere. Before starting my transition, I had almost no social life because it was unpleasant…almost painful for me to constantly be viewed as and treated as a guy. Since transitioning, I have definitely been more social, but my confidence in myself, as well as my self-esteem at times, are still pretty low. I don’t want to draw attention to the masculine features–broader shoulders, a slightly deeper voice than most girls, the few resilient chest hairs that avoided hormones, waxing, shaving, and plucking– that have remained after 5 and a half months of hormone replacement therapy. With time I am sure those will fade away and my self-confidence will improve.

However, I don’t really identify myself as transsexual (unless in the context of some sort of online discussion where it is relevant). I’m just another girl and view myself as such. I want to reiterate that the most important goal for me is discovering my identity and living it, even if society as a whole disapproves.

Matt: How did you come to realize you are transgender?

Raspberry: I had some hints from my very early childhood. A liking for stuffed animals and even some dolls (I particularly liked my sister’s doll that would get sick with a fever or other things that you had to take care of). I even dressed up in some leftover rags from one of my sister’s Halloween costumes (she was a Dalmatian that year) and was a “lady” while wearing those rags. I also remember a strong memory of wanting to wear one of her dresses…white with blue polka dots and green and blue frills.

But for me, I really started feeling something wrong, just wrong, around 6th grade. In retrospect, I understand that was the start of puberty, but I didn’t know that at the time. For a couple years, the feeling of wrongness increased to the point I couldn’t just ignore it. I started feeling strongly that my body should have been a girl’s body instead. Up to that point, I hadn’t been particularly feminine. I played football at recess, little league baseball, other “boy” games, but I wouldn’t have been the only girl doing so if I had realized then I was one. Two other tomboys played football just as often as I did. Many girls play little league softball or baseball. After some internet research, I made a tentative self-diagnosis of transsexuality. I had no idea of its medical classification as GID at that time. I kept that knowledge a very closely guarded secret, even as I researched it more online and even tried on some of my mom’s old dresses. However, I wasn’t ready to come out just yet.

Matt: Briefly, what is your coming out story?

Raspberry: During the summer before my senior year of high school, I finally told a few friends I had made playing World of Warcraft the truth about me. I had played WoW as a girl and identified myself as such to my friends. However, the particularly close ones I felt deserved the full truth. I told 4 or 5 people, which was 2 more than I had intended. I still wasn’t ready to tell anyone I knew in the real world though.

That August I made a discovery that very likely changed my life. During a random internet search (I might have been looking for transsexual webcomics, but I don’t remember for sure), I found the comic Venus Envy ( http://venusenvy.comicgenesis.com/). The story of Zoe touched me so deeply, I almost felt as if parts of it had been written for me. I identified with many of her characteristics and personality quirks. She almost became real to me. I read through the entire collection of comics in 3 days (I would have done it in a single sitting, but I had other obligations at the time). After finishing it, I emailed the author, who uses the pseudonym Erin Lindsey, thanking her for the wonderful story and I guess asking for advice. She recommended strongly that I talk to my parents about seeing a psychologist, even if I didn’t tell them why I wanted to see one. I wasn’t ready to talk to my parents yet, but I did ask them to set up an appointment with a psychologist my family had a relationship with from a previous incident (which didn’t directly involve me). At the end of our first session, after we had gotten to know each other some, I told her the real reason I was seeing her. Over the next few months we worked out some of my issues, and I finally told my parents in like the first week of last December, and my sister on January 3rd (at 3AM…long story behind that which I won’t go into).

That’s probably a little more than “brief” but I couldn’t really shorten it any. If anyone is interested in a nonstereotypical look at the life of a young transsexual, I HIGHLY recommend reading Venus Envy. It really shows that transsexuality is not the central guiding factor of a transsexual’s life. It is present in all things, but is not necessarily the most important factor anywhere.

Matt: What are some of the most difficult things you face in your life as a transgender person?

Raspberry: One of the most difficult things for me was just the slew of legal processes I had to go through this summer (in South Carolina…it’s different everywhere). Getting an official name change requires a criminal background check ($25), a DSS letter stating that you aren’t skipping out on alimony payment ($8), reading a packet of legalese and filling out several forms. And it costs $150 to file once you’ve done all that. The family court took a full month to process it, leaving me about 2 weeks to change my social security card, birth certificate, and driver’s license before school started.

I also had to build a whole new wardrobe over the summer, which was not cheap, although I didn’t make all the cost-cutting efforts I could have.

Maybe the most difficult thing was overcoming my lack of confidence and actually going out into public as a woman for the first time. That has gotten easier over time, but is still not easy.

Matt: What are some ways (maybe like 2-3 examples) that people may act or react around you or trans issues and how do they affect you and what would you tell that person in order for them to learn or understand better?

Raspberry: This question is really complex. Thankfully, I have not run into anyone in person who either recognized me as trans or made a big deal about it. From various online discussions about transsexuality, I’ve found that it is best to emphasize that transsexuality is not a choice. It is a biological issue of some sort, the mechanism of which is not yet known. I personally don’t ask for acceptance from everyone. I know that is more than some are capable of. I do generally ask for tolerance though. I know some do not like that word because it implies mercy being given by those in power, but to me, tolerance is just following a live and let live mentality. I don’t discriminate against anyone and hope that they will treat me with the same respect due a fellow human. For those who object on religious grounds, I just ask how they know transsexuality is immoral. There is nothing in the Bible about it. Let God sort out whether or not transsexuals are going to hell. Humans don’t need to worry about that.

Matt: What are some ways people can be allies to a trans person and the trans community?

Raspberry: The biggest way to be an ally is to become educated on GID and the basics of transgender issues. I don’t mean you have to spend hours poring over websites and textbooks, but learning the very basics really helps clarify that transsexuality is not as perverse or freakish as a lot of people think. In regards to treatment of trans people, I personally would just like to be treated like any other college age girl. I’ve never asked for special treatment and I don’t want it. I think that’s a nearly universal trait among transsexuals. We just want to fit into society, not stick out like a sore thumb.

Matt: What are some ways that people can learn more about trans issues and people and the trans community?

Raspberry: There are many websites available for education. Lynn Conway has a wonderful site. tsroadmap.org is another. The books Trueselves (nonfiction) and She’s Not There (semi-fictional autobiography) both give wonderful insight into a lot of what transsexuals deal with internally and externally on a day-to-day basis. I generally wouldn’t recommend any TV specials because I honestly have not seen a good one yet. They aren’t horrible, but they don’t present a very good overview of transsexuals or other transgendered people. They provide a very specific look into one aspect of the transgender spectrum, which can cause misconceptions among people who lack the knowledge of the whole spectrum.

Matt: Free form… say whatever you like…

Raspberry: I’m not really sure what to put here, so I’ll just repeat the main thing I want anyone who doesn’t know much about transsexuals to take away from these long responses:

Transsexuals and other transgendered folks are people too. We have dreams and aspirations, faults and flaws. We come from the same places you do. We don’t want special treatment, just the respect you should have for all humans. Being transgendered is not a choice; there is no moral component to it. It just is. If you cannot accept that, then just move on. The transgendered person is not going to try to seduce you into their “immorality” if you continue on your merry way. Just let us live in peace, without discrimination.

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Don’t Forget… about the Trans Issues coffee talk, laid-back and informal discussion on Sunday, September 16th, 2007, 6:00pm at Tate Street Coffee. More details available here.

Posted in College/University, Durham, LGBT, LGBT Youth, North Carolina |