This is the fifth and final installment of the five-week commentary series, “Fessing Up: exploring the dirty little secrets of the gay community.” The purpose of the series, will be to open community discussion with frank and honest thoughts and debate. Ignoring problems that exist inside our community and among some of our LGBT siblings is dangerous. In order to make our community better, stronger and more equal, we have to begin taking responsibility and speaking out when our own community, personal and social health is threatened.

Although the series will deal specifically with gay and bisexual men, as well as men who have sex with men (MSM), it will contain possible truths and discussion for the whole LGBT community.

We know that issues like substance abuse, promiscuity, unsafe sex, HIV/AIDS and STD infection rates and unattainable ideals of male beauty have an impact on the sexual, social, legal, physical and psychological health of the LGBT community, but we have utterly failed at having open and frank conversation about how we can address these issues, support our LGBT brothers and sisters and make our entire community more healthy and more equal.

This week’s installment, “Gay men and ideals of beauty,” is written by Devon Hunter, a North Carolina-based artist, thinker and exotic dancer. Read more from Devon at his personal blog, www.DevonHunter.info.

The Greek ideal goes deeper than appearances alone: Although our ideals in Western civilization about male beauty are heavily influenced by Greek imagery, it should be remembered that the Classical Athenians prized excellence, and viewed external attractiveness as only one aspect of it.

As Socrates said, it is best to get specialized information from a specialist. He meant that you should get opinions about armor from armorers, war from soldiers, philosophy from philosophers, and beauty from lovers. And who would know and love male beauty better than gay men? Straight chicks are getting better about demanding something more polished from their fellas, but ultimately it is men who truly appreciate maleness and all its labyrinthine complexities. I would venture to guess that almost every man (and especially every gay man) is struggling with his own Minotaur, and that is precisely what makes us such fascinating caricatures of ourselves.

I have seen surveys that compare the priorities for male beauty as defined by men and women. Men often focus on strength, physical feats, and ripped up abs. Women tend to prefer dominant attitudes, confidence, and a more normalized body composition (as opposed to a lean, visible musculature). Very different perspectives on what makes a man attractive. Even amongst men at the superficial level, most straight men prefer bulk, and most gay men prefer definition. Given what I’ve experienced of men (straight, bi, and gay), it seems many would like their muscles to be honed to resemble the very armor that Socrates might have sent them to Pistias to have melded to their torsos. Armor in Classical times often looked like metal skin covering carved-from-marble perfection. And how not? Men, as much as women, use beauty for various purposes. But the idealized “Greek God” torso is as much a defensive tactic as it is a lure or bait.

Beauty, and the pursuit of it, can be inspirational, but it is also the fuel for many destructive fires. Beauty can be dangerous. In fact, very often danger itself is exactly what defines beauty (or at least that which is desirable in some way). We gay men very often burn with desire to possess beauty, both our own and that of others. We seek to become a physical ideal so that we can reasonably expect to obtain more of it. The desire-rejection cycle is powerful: We all desire, we all reject, we all complain about not being able to get the ones we want (while being pestered by the ones we don’t). Everyone is a 10 looking for a 12, and we’ve forgotten that 5 is average (and that most of us are therefore a 5 or 6, and that expecting an 8, much less a 10, is generally a recipe for disappointment).

But not wanting to be stabbed by rejection, we seek our armor. Whatever that armor means to us personally. It might mean taking on an air of intellectual superiority. It might mean closing oneself off or hiding on the internet, forsaking human contact. For some it will involve embodying some specific “type” (e.g. Twinks, Jocks, Muscle Daddies, Bears/Wolves/Otters/insert farm animal here, Nerds/Dorks, Artistes, etc.). But for others it will mean putting on layers of muscle. I was asked to speak about “the ideal,” but how can I do this? There are different ideals for different people. And, like any ideal, all of them are difficult (if not nearly impossible) to attain or maintain.

The problem with the homogenized, generalized Ideal (e.g. Caucasian, 18-35 years old, body fat of about 7-10%, mesomorphic build, black hair/blue eyes, chiseled jaw, perfect skin, George Michael-ish facial hair, Tom of Finland-esque heteronormative behavior/accoutrements, etc. ad nauseum) is that it ignores or undervalues so many other types of male magnificence. There is loveliness, and then there is “perfection.” And like I said at the outset, gay men have a particularly refined sense of what makes a man sexy. That refinement, when used as a scalpel to carve away the ruff, can hone attractiveness; however, that knife, when used destructively, can cut, slice, or stab too deeply.

Speaking as someone who pays his bills and eats because of the money he earns based on the way he looks: I am constantly warring with expectations. I cannot be everything to everyone, but it still hurts when someone with all his clothes on will size me up like a horse and dismiss me (or worse, insult me) while I am standing there naked. Every time I eat, work out, buy clothing, or step outside my door, I am instantly plunged into battle: Will I be able to maintain or improve my body fat (which is 8.3% as of two weeks ago, thank you very much) by eating this? Can I not work harder on my physique? Is that guy looking at me doing this exercise because I look ridiculous, or because he wants to try it himself? Do these pants make my ass look fat? Will I make enough in tips this week to cover this bill or that?

And for what? So that people I will never know, probably never notice or see again, never speak to, or never make any form of connection with will spot me for a brief moment and think, “He’s hot.” It’s absurd. All that effort for so little reward? But it’s the culture we’ve whetted for ourselves after years of ever more closely grinding the razor’s edge. People injure themselves and each other with these expectations. We shred ourselves into little ribbons over this issue of attraction.

So then, what is the tonic that will cleanse all these cuts? Thicker armor? No. That has not helped. As Tim Bergling noted in “Chasing Adonis: Gay Men and the Pursuit of Perfection,” we are all involved in a cycle of longing and dismissal. Perhaps getting rid of desire would help? Fat chance! What about beauty? We could get rid of that, right? No. The world would be a far less inviting place without the inspiration we get from its many splendors. But what is the value of what we desire, and why is someone’s falling short of our personalized sense of “perfection” reason enough to completely ignore (or worse yet, slash) someone else? And why is it we feel entitled to expect something we may not be able to offer from ourselves? I think the healing salve that will take the stings out of our gashes is to meditate on improving ourselves (both inside and out) for its own value, not for the potential reward of acceptance from others (which should come
as a happy byproduct of the endeavor, not be the motivation for the exertion).

In Mary Renault’s “The Last of the Wine,” Socrates instructs us that “the price of an honourable lover is to be honourable ourselves, and that we shall neither get nor keep him if we offer anything less.” This philosophy removes the need for armor, since it is itself beautiful. It asks us to be inspired by our betters, to be kind to those whose affections we do not return, and to recognize our equals with grace. This is the kind of person who will achieve excellence on all levels. Yes, work out hard! But exercise the mind, soul, and heart as well.

“If we come into the presence of such a lover,” Renault writes in the voice of Socrates, “it seems to me that one of three things will happen. Either he will succeed in making us his equal in honour; or, if he fails both to do this and to free himself of love, seeking to please us he will become less good than he was; or, if he is of stronger mind, remembering what is due to the gods and to his own soul, he will be master of himself, and go away.” Aspiring to and achieving excellence is beautiful; however, we should be careful to not use beauty as a weapon to slice others simply because we can. Doing so dulls the blade.

— Devon Hunter is a career exotic dancer with formal, professional training in dance and theatre. He completed his advanced studies in performance arts with a focus on gender studies at the University of California in Los Angeles (UCLA). He has danced in clubs across the country, and has danced professionally around the United States and Europe. His videos for Cody Media will go live on www.SeanCody.com in the winter of 2009. He writes his blog at www.DevonHunter.info.

Previous Installments:
1. Substance Abuse
2. Promiscuity and Unsafe Sex
3. HIV/AIDS
4. The Magnetic Divide and Viral Apartheid