Equality MySpace Pride Month Contest

Story Four: DELIA RIMER

26 years old, "Quuer/bi/Kinsey 5," Female
Location: New York  Myspace: www.myspace.com/djrimer

This summer, approximately ten years after I came out, I am celebrating reconnecting with previously dormant bi roots. As a girl (or guy depending on the day) who identifies as a Kinsey 5, and has mostly dated (and only slept with) women, you can imagine the shock when I told my friends (and co-workers and therapist and postman and pretty much everyone I ran into on the street) that I had serious feelings for a guy.   And when I say serious, I mean serious.

Over the past few years I’ve tried to maintain a “queer” label as not to pigeonhole myself.  And, yes, I realize even a more inclusive label is still a label.  How can one accurately describe something so fluid?  Our hearts race a night for myriad reasons, and you can analyze the who, what and why and still not have a concrete idea of why you feel so strongly.

Problem is, when I rediscovered my feelings towards this man, I had an incredibly uncool reaction.  The anger, fear and uncertainly I felt towards myself went against everything I believed in. If this were to happen to a friend of mine, regardless of their gender/orientation, I’d not only offer support, but I’d write ‘em a song, make ‘em a giant cake and even grab a priest or rabbi walking down the street to get the two kids married.

But for me this was different.  I wonder if I hadn’t spent so much energy acting uber-proud of my “I’M TOTALLY COOL WITH LOVING CHICKS” mentality, if my feelings for this man wouldn’t feel like such a big deal.

Recently I’ve come to realize pride of any kind isn’t about falling into a form and assimilating to a specific idea, it’s about being who you are and doing what you want to.  

Certainly the idea of celebrating pride reinforces the idea that we are “different,” and aren’t we going for the idea that we’re all the same, we deserve equal rights?   It’s a tricky situation; can we celebrate diversity while simultaneously living with the mentality that we are all the same?  Identifying who we are does provide us with a stronger sense of self, but can’t we just say we’re all sexual (some of us asexual) and let’s just leave it at that?

Shortly after I got to the place where I accepted my bisexuality, I ended up sleeping with a guy (a different one, but that’s another story).   As foreign as being with a man was to me, the same could be said for any primarily hetero person hooking up with someone of the same sex for the first time.   It was not as big of a deal as I thought it would be.

From an early age we’re taught the main thing in life is to find that special someone and marry them – love conquers all. But when that love is questioned and at times even threatened, how can you not feel like it’s worthy of being protected and celebrated?

What I’m saying is that all this fear and judgment I put out there of me liking a guy, it was all in my head.  People can form their own opinions and yes, you may be judged, but not as much as we judge ourselves.  I know my friends all love me for who I am and they just want me to be happy.  Instead of trying to get others to love us for who we are, we need to focus on loving ourselves, because when we do that everyone else will follow.

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